*long post... just keepin' it real*
about time i update this thing with our news!
surprise! this cute dude is going to be a big brother!
it looks like this one is due the beginning of november, which means
since parker was born on christmas eve, this one will probably come on halloween!
im currently 19 weeks along and can feel this little one move and kick. these are the fun moves and kicks because they dont hurt yet :)
we go in on monday to find out the gender already. Im 100% convinced its another boy.
this pregnancy has been completely identical to my pregnancy with parker. but we will see!
its still a very unreal thing to me to be expecting another baby. because to be totally honest, after parker was born, i really thought i would never have another child again. we had a rough start, parker and i, and my transition into motherhood was much harder than i expected it to be.
right before parker was born, so many of my friends who had already had babies told me over and over again how the moment they place that baby in my arms will be the best moment of my life. and how the instant love and bond you will feel towards that child is magical.
so the night came, i pushed parker out and when they handed him to me, im not really sure if i expected the angels in heaven to start singing or what, but guess what? nothing happened. no feelings of love, no special bond, nothing. surely i was just tired i thought. it would be better in the morning.
but the morning came, and still i had no such feelings appear as i started to take care of my little dude. i actually had quite the opposite. sadness, exhaustion, and guilt that i was given this wonderful opportunity to love this baby, and i didnt. when so many other amazing women in this world would give anything to have their own baby to love instantly.
just 10 days after parker was born we packed up and moved to colorado into my parents house while jared compeleted his 4 month internship for school. and i thank the high heavens above that i had my mom and sisters to pass parker off to during the day. had it not been for them, im sure i would have slipped into some serious postpartum depression. those baby blues are no joke.
i would see my friends post pictures of their new babies and talk about how they couldnt stop kissing their cheeks and loving on them, and i would think, "yup, definitely the worst mom ever. who doesnt want to love on their own baby?" this girl.
it took a couple weeks, maybe even a month before i woke up one day, and something just clicked. i picked up my little dude in the morning and suddenly felt this overwhelming love for him. im sure deep down i had always loved him, but man those first six weeks were just brutal.
before we had parker, jared and i had our "plan" on when we would have kids. we had "planned" to start trying for another child when our baby turned one. well parkers first birthday came around and we both looked at each other with that H-NO! look.
so hist first birthday came and went. i would see new born babies and think, thank goodness its not mine. then he turned 15 months, and i would still see new borns and think, no way. then 18 months came and went, and i thought for sure i would never become baby hungry again.
until my sister had her baby last august. we went to see him, and i fell in love with this teeny little baby. i loved holding him and i especially loved that she was the one with sleepless nights, not me. but after we got home, the wheels in my head started spinning. jared was feeling the same way, and before we knew it, here we are. expecting another baby.
i would be lying if i said i wasnt completely terrified. even more so this time around than last time. but im so very grateful to my heavenly father, who trusts me with another one of his precious children. i still cant believe i will have two children, but lots of people in this world have multiple children and survive, so i think i will too. and good news, this time around, i know that the first year eventually ends. they do eventually learn to sleep through the night, and feed themselves. babies may not be my thing, but i can handle a toddler.
we are excited to meet this new addition in the fall and are feeling very blessed. so stay tuned. things in the rucks home are about to become a little bit more crazy.
